- Wednesday, December 7, 2011 -
craziness.
I've come across countless fucked up situations/incidents for these past few weeks. Whenever I have a hard time, I always think of it as a punishment from God to me for the sins I've done. And I know I've done a lot of them for these past few weeks.
First and foremost, I apologise for my selfish and irrational decision that resulted in hurting you, breaking you into pieces, I know you don't deserve that. Thus, I know you don't deserve me. It was the only way to let you know and see that you really don't deserve to be with me. Heck, I'm not sure if anyone deserves me. You deserve to be with someone who will truly love you, care for you, treat you right, always be there for you even through the hardest times. Part of what I'm going through is probably the punishment I get for putting you in a state like this. I don't regret my decision and I do hope you understand.
I admit I've changed a lot ever since I came here. I really thought I wouldn't but I guess I did. Is it my own fault? Am I not strong enough to overcome all these 'culture shock' factors? Or have I been successfully persuaded by the feeling of freedom and richness of independence? I guess my past life is reaching its way out again, especially since I'm in a country of my own. It really shouldn't be like this. I guess, I'm not strong enough for this part of the world.
Not forgetting my unfortunate events of my toe and my sprained ankle and my failing success in my course. It's been tough, these 3 months. Is this what you call homesick? Or is this just a phase of my insides trying to crawl their way out after years and years of being cramped and stressed up with all the numbers, facts, dates, names, etc.? Oh God! I cannot believe this! What did I get myself into?
I still feel fucked up. At times, I feel like I should just go home as if I don't deserve to be here. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically damaged by my surroundings, my life, everything. I don't know where else I can get the strength to move on anymore, not like this.
@ 9:36 PM by Wane Y.
